Third Location in Three Months. This Time, We’re Staying!

Well, our little stint in New York didn’t last very long. In what seemed like an overnight whirlwind, we’ve moved on down to Charlotte, NC. So far, it’s a beautiful little city with the friendliest people we’ve encountered in a very long time! Things just weren’t working out in New York, perhaps as quickly as we were hoping for, so when a job opportunity popped up for Husband here in Charlotte, we just couldn’t pass it up.

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I had to walk away from NYU for the second and more permanent time, but in all honesty, it’s a decision I am thoroughly okay with. There were little to no job prospects for Husband in NY up to this point, and let me tell you, I’ve never seen ANYONE fill out as many applications in one day as he had. It was a strange situation, because it’s not like Husband doesn’t have a really impressive resume, because he does! Yet, because things were looking bleak career-wise for Husband, the apartment hunt was even worse. The real estate market in New York is ridiculous. In order to rent even the most miniscule amount of space in even the most unsafe of neighborhoods, in any borough, you’ve got to make at least 40x the rent, annually. Then there’s the broker’s fee of 12-18% of the entire year’s rent, first and last month’s rent, and typically a security deposit of equal to the amount of one month’s rent. You’d also need proof of income, proof of employment, previous bank statements, and a credit check. But fret not my friends, if all else failed, you could always use a guarantor; they’d only have to make 90x the rent annually, plus all those other requirements as well. 0_o

And thus, our move to Charlotte.

Husband landed the job in five days within applying to it, and we signed a lease to the most amazing space just a few days later. It’s been about two weeks since we’ve been in our new apartment, and it still feels a little unreal. Husband and I have been living like two teen-parents in our parents’ homes for the extent of 2013, and this blessing couldn’t have been more on time. For nearly half of the budget we set aside for a studio/one-bedroom in New York, we’ve landed ourselves a huge 2-bedroom/2-bathroom unit with a fireplace, the biggest closets we’ve ever had, valet trash, full amenities in the kitchen, and so many other perks! We’ve even been reunited with our little son Apollo! The most amazing aspect of this entire blessing however, has got to be our renewed access to PRIVACY! Husband and I can once again be a couple, a married couple at that! Excuse me while I praise dance!

Freedom!!

Freedom!!

Apollo LOVES all the space!

Apollo LOVES all the space!

This has been Husband’s first full week at work, a 3PL logistics company, and so far he seems to like it. Training is a drag, but he’s using his degree and we’ve got full benefits for the baby when he gets here! I, on the other hand, have decided to take a crack at the stay-at-home-mom thing for the upcoming year. Husband’s job will require many, many hours of his time weekly so it’s probably best for me to keep my schedule open. I’m not sure how long I’d be home next year, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

This whole year has been nothing but chaos, and similarly, my pregnancy is flying by and I’ve barely noticed. We’ve been so preoccupied with trying to get ourselves stabilized, that I’ve become completely disconnected from the pregnancy. I’ll officially be 7 months pregnant on Sunday and the fact that I’m pregnant still hasn’t really dawned on me. Staying home for the remainder of the year and clearing my plate academically will really give me a chance to sit in this moment with this belly and this baby and try to be present. I don’t want our son to get here in February and I not know what to do with him. So, I’ve got about 13 weeks to get it together!

Oh, and in baby news. Our son is developing wonderfully! We still don’t have a name yet, but Husband’s 4 year old step-nephew has so graciously taken it upon himself to name our son Tarzan. Tarzan Youngest, actually. I don’t know where his brilliant little mind came up with that, but it’s sort of stuck! We all now, grandparents included, refer to our baby as Baby Tarzan! It really does fit considering the amount of pain I am in day in and day out from all the moving and kicking and bouncing around he’s doing in utero.

We passed our glucose test the other day, no gestational diabetes!! We’ve also been doing very well with all the other testing he and I have had done; everything is wonderfully normal. Except for, perhaps, his size. I am carrying a big baby. (My Husband is 6’4 so…. yea) Even at my very first 6-week sonogram, he measured 3 days bigger, and that notion has certainly continued. At our last sonogram, several weeks ago in New York, he should have weighed between 10-12 ounces when in fact he weighed in at a whopping 15 ounces. He’s 2.5 pounds now and I am feeling every bit of it: back pain, pelvic pain, abdominal pain, knee pain, neck pain, and thigh pain… I don’t think I could even express to you in words the severity of muscle pain and soreness I feel in my lady parts. It feels like my vagina muscles are shredding. I’ve been walking around for weeks with my hands in between my legs trying to hold my crotch UP to alleviate some pressure. I am definitely carrying LOW! So low in fact, that with a single kick, jab, or stretch of his body my extremities go numb and I am frozen, paralyzed in pain. Damn sciatic nerves. Pregnancy sucks. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I feel exactly like Elizabeth Banks’ character in What to Expect, When Expecting!

This juice tasted like a thousand sour skittles, and had Baby Tarzan bouncing off the walls of my uterus for HOURS!

This juice tasted like a thousand sour skittles, and had Baby Tarzan bouncing off the walls of my uterus for HOURS!

Chronicles of the Broke-Down Bronx

Husband and I have been in New York for about four weeks now. We’ve been staying in the Bronx with my grandma, and boy has it been a whirlwind already! It really doesn’t feel like it’s been JUST three weeks, and it feels more unreal that we’re actually here…

The Bronx really isn’t all that pretty, (our opinion) but our trips in and out of the city have definitely made this move FEEL all the more worth while! We have a little over an hour commute (1 bus, 1 train) to NYU, where I take two classes once a week. I arranged them both on Tuesday, so Husband and I get to walk around and discover the village in between them. While I’m in class, he spends his time wandering around just gazing at our new scenery! Just last week he told me he stumbled upon Georgetown Cupcakes SOHO! So far, he seems to be loving New York.

Vanilla & Chocolate. Red Velvet. The most amazing cupcakes we've ever had in our lives.

Vanilla & Chocolate. Red Velvet. The most amazing cupcakes we’ve ever had in our lives.

Central Park

Central Park

As for me, I’m loving NYU. I’ve got two really awesome professors. One who has the most amazing sense of humor and the other is a defense attorney, and is as sharp as a whistle. I was lucky enough to be transferred over in to the extended program, so even though I don’t get to spend much time on campus, it’s really worked out in my favor. For one, the Baby Brain myth is real! I can’t seem to focus outside of the classroom at all! I find myself struggling with the readings, and while I’m sure the fact that I’ve been out of school for so long doesn’t help, I’m pretty sure it’s the baby. Especially now that I can feel him kicking!

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HBSE-1. Social Policy. NY Times. Ugh.

HBSE-1. Social Policy. NY Times. Ugh.

Baby's 20 weeks!

Baby’s 20 weeks!

Everything is so different here; I think we’re (more Husband than I) experiencing quite the culture shock. Look, I was born in New York and both sides of my family have lived in the Bronx all of their lives… but we’re just not about this Bronx life. The poverty rates are astronomical. The crime, the deficiencies in education, and the quality of life here very different than what we’re used to. We are living right now in a fairly decent neighborhood, but I don’t want to raise our son here. We’re just not that interested. The Bronx is also very far removed from EVERYTHING. We have over an hour commute to NYU, and just the other day we went to a Housewarming party in Brooklyn, for a girlfriend of mine from Seattle to also moved here for grad school and lives in Windsor Terrace, and it took us almost 2 hours both ways to get there. There are no Trader Joe’s, no Whole Foods, no nice stores or boutiques, no quaint coffee shops or café’s here in the Bronx, and that’s what we’re looking for.

Look... Between the trash and the cigarette smoke... Not about it.

Look… Between the trash and the cigarette smoke… Not about it.

The only real positive we’re getting out of being here, is being around some of my family member that I haven’t seen in YEARS. My paternal grandparents live just a few blocks away from my maternal grandmother (who we live with currently) and it’s been wonderful to be able to finally spend some quality time with them. While it sucks that I can’t share my pregnancy with my parents, who I “left behind” in Georgia, I do get to share this experience with my grandparents. Oh, and boy do they LOVE Husband! Things are working out fairly well here. The weather is starting to change, which puts a little pressure on the apartment hunt. THAT in and of itself is a nightmare, but within the next few weeks, we’ll be starting that adventure. Ideally we want a place before the dead of winter hits and obviously before the baby comes. There’s just no space here at grandma’s house for an additional person, little as they may be. Husband is sleeping on a daybed, and I’m sleeping on an air mattress as it is!

Husband with my little cousin.

Husband with my little cousin.

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The End of a Nightmare, and the Start of Something Beautiful

Remember the last time I said I was back, and then actually disappeared again? Well, this time we’re back. FOR GOOD!!

Things have been insanely hectic from my last post up until now, and they aren’t looking to be any less crazy!

This summer things were looking pretty bleak for us, we were stuck bouncing back and forth between my mom’s house and Husband’s dad’s house with no real plan. Well that’s not true, we had several plans; they were just constantly flopping. I had this big financial hold on my account that was keeping me from registering for graduate classes back at NYU, which in essence was keeping us stuck in Atlanta. We kept losing our Peace Corps nominations, which was really hard for us because the process is so long as it is! Husband was working at this really whack start-up, and his paychecks were being BLOWN by the bills that were accumulating on my behalf. My surgeries last year resulted in over $2000 in medical bills that were all either in or headed for collections. We were really struggling to stay afloat, and then I somehow managed to get pregnant. A feat, we just KNEW would not be possible. I had been dealing with infertility long before my husband, but even after the surgeries last year to remove the Endo, we were still having trouble getting pregnant. We sort of just accepted the “sentence” and decided to focus our energy on other things like graduate school and the Peace Corps and put the baby making off for a while. This year has been a very testing time for Husband and I. We’ve been to the bottom of the barrel together and I’m just beyond blessed to know how far he’d go and how much he’d sacrifice for me.

Currently, our baskets are overflowing with blessings!

1. One of Husband’s cousins donated the rest of the money I needed to pay off my financial hold, so I was able to register for all the classes I needed WITH the specific professors I wanted! Even better, NYU really worked with me and transferred me into the Extended Program so that I could have lighter course load this semester with the pregnancy, and next semester when the baby comes! February really isn’t that far away!
2. Obviously that means we’ve moved to New York!! During the last week of August, we really decided to step out on faith. We packed Husband’s car with the essentials and made the 14 hour drive to NY. We currently staying with my cute ass grandma in the Bronx, which is super close to tons of my family members, until we are able to find our own place.
3. NYU gave me a nice big stipend, (ha, yea right, more like a refund check of student loans I’ll be paying back until I’m 104) which allowed me to pay off every bill but one from collections and get us all caught up financially. I’ve finally been able to afford maternity pants. (Thank the Baby Gods!!)
4. Oh man, we got a Peace Corps nomination!! The new quarter opened up in August, but when we didn’t hear from our recruited Jai, I sorted of just gave up hope. I was really procrastinating in telling her about the pregnancy, perhaps because I wasn’t really ready to accept that fact that I had to withdraw our applications. When I woke up to our nominations last week, I balled my eyes out. I really wanted to serve with the Peace Corps, since high school. But hey, perhaps we’ll reapply in 18-20 years when Baby Son is grown and on his own.
5. Our baby is super healthy and developing wonderfully. I can feel him kicking and I can even see my stomach bouncing around sometimes! It’s so cool! I even feel a million times better than the previous 20 weeks. I tire very easily, and I have a really hard time focusing in class, but hey if the baby is good, then so am I!

I just wanted to take this post, to thank you guys for sticking through the trenches with us during our really questionable times. Your support has meant everything to me! We are beyond blessed to finally have things working out and we look so forward to sharing our new New York City experiences with you!

8 Weeks and A Ways To Go

OMG I’m dying. Dying I tell you!!

I feel like absolute shit, and I look just as bad as I feel!! I haven’t washed my hair in days, I haven’t been out much, and I don’t want company. I throw up after each meal now and so quickly that I’m sure I’m not obtaining any essential vitamins from my meals. My prenatals are quite a bitch to keep down too. They smell like rotten fish, no thanks to the fish oils and omega-3’s.

I’m headed into my 3rd consecutive week of all day Extreme Nausea and the vomiting started last week. My throat and my chest are always on fire, and my stomach muscles are very sore. I can hardly stand up for 5 full minutes before feeling very weak and queasy. I tired very easily too. I’ve taken a nap almost every day and if I don’t get a nap in, I can certainly tell a difference in my mood. My energy drops dramatically, and I’m really rather cranky.

I’ve been able to pinpoint some of my latest food aversions: almond milk, salsa and tomato sauces for example. Those, however, couldn’t hold a candle to TOOTHPASTE! Dear God, as soon as I get a whiff of toothpaste, or as soon as the toothpaste touches my tongue, my stomach is officially on E! I barf by the bucketload, guaranteed at least twice a day. I’m going to brush my teeth dammit.

So far, I’m not really enjoying this pregnancy. I don’t care what size it is, what sort of sea creature it may look like this week… I just want to eat a meal and keep it down. My skin is breaking out like crazy, I can’t stay awake, I can’t focus, I can’t stand up for too long, and I am having the worst sleep ever! My lower abdomen feels so tender, I’m sore all across my core, and my lady parts hurt. I’m a total stomach sleeper, which is now shitfest. God, someone get me the FUCK out of this first trimester. I can’t fathom five more weeks of this Barf-a-thon.

Someone please help me!

Heartbeats & Tummy Aches

Husband and I had our very first ultrasound the other day. It was a vaginal ultrasound, and I was beyond relieved I hadn’t taken my BFF along with us!!

Our GYN was a few days off, as our Little Manatee measured in at 6 weeks and 3 days. Husband got to see everything on the monitor first, so I got to watch his face.

As our nurse dimmed the lights, and shoved the ultrasound stick right into my lady parts, she began navigating my womb and explaining to him what she was seeing.

I don’t think I have ever seen such a vast combination of emotion in Husband’s face before. Our nurse was able to locate our Little Manatee, and explained that the little fluttering he saw, was the heartbeat. When she played the audio of the heartbeat, I was so caught of guard!!

I cried so hard! It was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. At first, I thought it was my own heartbeat, but she assured me it was Little Manatee’s! It was so strong, and so steady. I think in that moment, it hit me… there’s a baby, growing, in my belly.

A real baby…. WITH A HEARTBEAT!

When it was my turn to see the monitor, I was so amazed that something so small was causing me a world of pain!

The morning sickness has been more like an all day barf fest. And the abdominal cramps are very crampy and very scary. I just keep praying that nothing goes wrong, and that these cramps are normal.

Our nurse gave us ultrasound pictures to take home for Little Manatee’s grandparents.

This still feels totally unreal!

Seven Weeks and Counting

I feel terrible. Absolutely terrible. I feel like I’ve had a level 5 hangover for a week straight. I keep hearing that it’s normal and that it could potentially get a bit worse from here, but goodness… this is torture! I wake up insanely nauseous and it doesn’t let up until I pass out for the night. Oh, and I can’t seem to stop eating. Oddly enough, the only time I DON’T feel nauseous is when I’m stuffing my face. I’ve been taking my prenatal vitamins at night as well, to offset some of the nausea. They taste like fish-oil and ass! Yuck. In addition to my nausea (not vomiting so far), I’ve been quite the narcoleptic. I am constantly operating below 50% charge all day, everyday. I think I fell asleep in the middle of a conversation with my mom today. How embarrassing!

Mom sent me a photo of what our baby looks like at 7 weeks…

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He/she looks like a little manatee, but it is supposedly measuring the size of a blueberry! Now I’ve dubbed him/her our “Little Manatee.” It’s becoming more and more real everyday that this pregnancy is legit and NOT a sick joke from the cosmos. Husband is definitely getting more excited. To say he was a bit shell-shocked would be the understatement of the year!! It’s totally understandable too. I mean, we’ve barely figured out what’s going on with us in regards to NYU and the Peace Corps, and now this.

Perhaps this is why things were just seemingly much more difficult than they all should’ve been. I hear they say, “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.” Ha! How appropriate. We’re just trying to figure out now, what’s the best option for our Little Manatee.

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound. I’m not sure what to expect… lots of medical history questions and perhaps getting to see how many little manatees are in the depths of my uterus. Mom keeps joking around that my GYN put my ovaries into hyper speed and sort of revved up the engines of my lady parts and that I shouldn’t be surprised if my ovaries released an egg or TWO. I say, stop it! Husband and I are just fine with one little Invader of the Uterus!

Apollo doesn't seemed to thrilled at the idea of being a "Big Brother."

Apollo doesn’t seemed to thrilled at the idea of being a “Big Brother.”

This Changes Everything: The Confirmation. Part Two

* Disclaimer: If you follow our story through this blog, please be a friend and keep the following story here. We will transfer this news across the social media boards on our own, at the right time. Don’t beat us to the punch, FB friends, Twitter tweeters, and Instagramers! If you fail this mission, Jenn will be really mad and Husband will smash your house and eat your young. *

I cannot believe this. I’m pregnant. Six weeks pregnant. Like, with a baby. A real baby. Not a food baby, a human one. That Husband and I made.

How could this have happened? (I don’t mean that in a when-a-man-and-a-woman-love-each-other sort of way)

Doctor after doctor, test after test, result after result have all confirmed my infertility and have made it very clear that Husband and I wouldn’t be able to conceive without medical intervention….

… Yet here we are, with a bun in the oven.

I’m so overwhelmed with emotions: happiness, gratitude, fear, concern, worry…

I’m a bit shell-shocked actually.

I sort of put the idea of children out of my mind, because infertility treatments are so expensive and emotionally taxing.

The more I think about it, I believe it’s a matter of nothing but Divine Intervention. Here’s the thing:
1. I’ve been seeing my GYN every two weeks for the longest to try every treatment, supplement, and option she can think of to stabilize my very hostile insides. I mean I’ve been on pills, on liquids, on suppositories, on shots…. The works…
2. In the course of 6+ months, I’ve really altered my diet as best I can, eliminating gluten, soy, dairy, processed meats, preservatives and additives, and I’ve even shed about 10+ pounds.
3. I’ve become very familiar with essential oils and natural organic products, in order to eliminate some of the xenoestrogens from the environment that may be setting of my internal chemistry to worsen my Endo and PCOS.

But here’s the craziest part, because of the painful sex situation, Husband and I have had sex TWICE in the entire month of May.

So you mean to tell me, that 10 pills a day of natural supplements, and estrogen blockers encouraged my ovaries to produce an actual egg this time, that just so happened to be fertilized on one of the TWO days that Husband and I had sex, and that my body was stable just enough to actually support the embryo….

Divine Intervention.

Husband and I are so crazy excited! I just can’t believe it’s even real. I’m so afraid of sharing my news, because my body’s been so fragile up to this point, I feel like I really have to protect this blessing.

I know you should wait until after 8 weeks to say anything, because that’s when you’re relatively in the clear for avoiding miscarriage, but I just had to post. If anything were to happen, I would hate myself for not allowing me to be fully present in this moment, now.

We’re having a baby.

OMG!

This Changes Everything: The Test. Part One.

* Disclaimer: If you follow our story through this blog, please be a friend and keep the following story here. We will transfer this news across the social media boards on our own, at the right time. Don’t beat us to the punch, FB friends, Twitter tweeters, and Instagramers! If you fail this mission, Jenn will be really mad and Husband will smash your house and eat your young. *

Something told me that this late period was going to be much different from any other late period I’d ever had. I haven’t even craved chocolate for God’s sake! Typically when my cycle is near, late or not, I’m a crying, bloated, killer for chocolate, hormonal, attitudinal ass mess! This month, something was off.

My period has, since my surgeries last August, become pretty regular. I can expect it to start at least between the 3rd and the 6th of each month, but as the 11th rolled around… I got a little worried. No spotting, no pink, no nothing.

I’ve been taking a handful of natural, holistic, of-the-earth supplements every day aimed at fixing my hormonal imbalance; reducing my excess estrogen, lowering my insulin, restoring the vitamin and nutrient deficiency, and replenishing my ecosystem of good bacteria via probiotics. I’ve even shed 10 pounds, and have modified my diet. No gluten, soy, or dairy; at least 75% of the time.

…But my period hasn’t come. My suspicion: My endometriosis has regrown and taken over my ovaries again and my PCOS has caused cysts to reform that are triggering irregular periods. It’s been almost a year since my laparoscopy, and I can’t believe I’m in the same physical condition already!

I went to see an endocrinologist on Monday the 10th and he gave me some amazing information about PCOS and thoroughly explained what Metformin is and how it would help me out. What I liked about him, versus my GYN, is that he aims to target my hormonal imbalance and it’s affect on my entire body, whereas the GYN wants to target the hormones keeping me from getting pregnant. I want to fix my whole body, not just pieces of it. I returned the following morning to have EIGHT viles of blood extracted for many tests. The nurses say he’s thorough.

June 11, I sat downstairs watching The Braxton Family Values, my guiltiest pleasure ever! Tamar is my absolute favorite next to Toni! The season’s been following her throughout her pregnancy, and I don’t know what came over me or what about my mini-marathon triggered my reaction, but I ran upstairs, dug through a box, found a pregnancy test and peed on it…

Two pink lines: one dark, one faint.

Later on when Husband got home, I took the second one I had stashed away.

…Two pink lines: one dark, one faint.

Immediately, we knew it had to be a reaction to the all-natural, holistic, medicine man, juju pills that I’ve been taking. There’s no way, one little month of natural supplements could find or create a loophole in my infertility to get us pregnant. It just doesn’t work like that.

On the 12th, Husband and I went to Walmart to get an electronic pregnancy test. At this point for shits and giggles. We aren’t convinced at all we’re pregnant. It’s not possible, but where is my period? Why aren’t my boobs sore? Why haven’t I gone batshit crazy for some chocolate?

Husband is really scared that something is wrong. We’ve worked so hard to stabilize my body so far, hell I’ve been DRINKING LIQUID SILVER, and now we could possibly be back to square one.

But that’s the thing with the pregnancy tests with the lines, no matter what it reads, you can always convince yourself of a faulty outcome.

As soon as we got home, I peed on the electronic pregnancy test in the bathroom downstairs. It showed me a blinking timer, which gave me enough time to run upstairs to Husband. Of course I find that he is in the bathroom himself, so I slide the pregnancy test under the door to him. A few moments later, I hear a roar of laughter, and I sort of slump down, is an overwhelming cloud of emotions…

…The test reads “Pregnant.”

Our First Big Break

I don’t really want to get into the details of this situation right now, because I am terrified to jinx it….

…but…

If you’ve been following us, you know that we’ve been living in absolute limbo! The Peace Corps is taking for-fucking-ever to give us a nomination, I haven’t been able to register for classes at NYU because of this monstrous financial hold on my account, which was their fault anyways, and we’ve been bouncing back and forth between our parents home’s like two nomads!

Well, Husband worked a miracle last night, and got $1000 to pay towards my $1800 hold!!

Things may just be looking up for us!

We may just have a way out!!

AHHHH!!!!!!

In a Constant State of Wait

I don’t think I’ve felt this down in a while. Never felt this discouraged, this lost, this confused…. It’s miserable….

Husband and I spent the weekend with my dad and his family for Memorial Weekend. It was spent with a lot of questions like, “so what are you guys up to now” and “So are you gonna go back to school?” and “What’s up with the Peace Corps?” Answering those was a combination of misery and embarrassment!

I don’t have the answers.

Course registration opened up May 20 and I haven’t been able to register because of the financial hold on my account. WHERE the fuck am I supposed to come up with $2000? So, no, I don’t know if I’m going back to school. At this rate, NYU has made the decision for us. Husband and I are barely scraping by as it is, living paycheck to paycheck, with NO room for a $2000 bill. The worst part is, if I’m not registered by a certain date than my financial aid will fall through. We’ve tried everything at this point to get that bill paid, to no avail of course….

… And I’m so sick and tired of people addressing Husband and I as if we’re two bums just trying to live off of love, just mooching around at our parent’s homes. I had to take a medical leave dammit!! I didn’t have a choice! I am JUST now starting to feel good enough to attempt to work, and at this point, there’s still no way we can come up with $2000 by June. I really hate that NYU isn’t making more of an effort to work WITH me, considering my financial aid payout was about $12,000 for housing and expenses. You’d think they’d just let me register and just deduct the hold the financial aid package right? Nope. Fuckers.

And no, I still don’t know what’s happening with the Peace Corps, they haven’t nominated us yet. We can either go work full time on a farm somewhere or gain some health education experience, at a hospice for example. There is no way in hell, I am volunteering at a hospice. For 1) I can’t handle it. I’m too emotionally fragile with all my own personal shit and the thought of hospice makes me uncomfortable and 2) that’s not what I wanted to do in the Peace Corps anyways. I want to be an educator. That’s about it.

I am like a walking depression ad. One minute, I am an enraged lunatic and the next I am a sobbing, crying, puffy-eyed, why-is-this-happening-to-me pile of mess!

All I want to do… is make a difference…. Change the world… do some good…

…and the universe won’t stop shitting on me…

And I swear to god, the next person who says, “good things come to those who wait,” will probably get smacked, stabbed, or both.