Third Location in Three Months. This Time, We’re Staying!

Well, our little stint in New York didn’t last very long. In what seemed like an overnight whirlwind, we’ve moved on down to Charlotte, NC. So far, it’s a beautiful little city with the friendliest people we’ve encountered in a very long time! Things just weren’t working out in New York, perhaps as quickly as we were hoping for, so when a job opportunity popped up for Husband here in Charlotte, we just couldn’t pass it up.

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I had to walk away from NYU for the second and more permanent time, but in all honesty, it’s a decision I am thoroughly okay with. There were little to no job prospects for Husband in NY up to this point, and let me tell you, I’ve never seen ANYONE fill out as many applications in one day as he had. It was a strange situation, because it’s not like Husband doesn’t have a really impressive resume, because he does! Yet, because things were looking bleak career-wise for Husband, the apartment hunt was even worse. The real estate market in New York is ridiculous. In order to rent even the most miniscule amount of space in even the most unsafe of neighborhoods, in any borough, you’ve got to make at least 40x the rent, annually. Then there’s the broker’s fee of 12-18% of the entire year’s rent, first and last month’s rent, and typically a security deposit of equal to the amount of one month’s rent. You’d also need proof of income, proof of employment, previous bank statements, and a credit check. But fret not my friends, if all else failed, you could always use a guarantor; they’d only have to make 90x the rent annually, plus all those other requirements as well. 0_o

And thus, our move to Charlotte.

Husband landed the job in five days within applying to it, and we signed a lease to the most amazing space just a few days later. It’s been about two weeks since we’ve been in our new apartment, and it still feels a little unreal. Husband and I have been living like two teen-parents in our parents’ homes for the extent of 2013, and this blessing couldn’t have been more on time. For nearly half of the budget we set aside for a studio/one-bedroom in New York, we’ve landed ourselves a huge 2-bedroom/2-bathroom unit with a fireplace, the biggest closets we’ve ever had, valet trash, full amenities in the kitchen, and so many other perks! We’ve even been reunited with our little son Apollo! The most amazing aspect of this entire blessing however, has got to be our renewed access to PRIVACY! Husband and I can once again be a couple, a married couple at that! Excuse me while I praise dance!

Freedom!!

Freedom!!

Apollo LOVES all the space!

Apollo LOVES all the space!

This has been Husband’s first full week at work, a 3PL logistics company, and so far he seems to like it. Training is a drag, but he’s using his degree and we’ve got full benefits for the baby when he gets here! I, on the other hand, have decided to take a crack at the stay-at-home-mom thing for the upcoming year. Husband’s job will require many, many hours of his time weekly so it’s probably best for me to keep my schedule open. I’m not sure how long I’d be home next year, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

This whole year has been nothing but chaos, and similarly, my pregnancy is flying by and I’ve barely noticed. We’ve been so preoccupied with trying to get ourselves stabilized, that I’ve become completely disconnected from the pregnancy. I’ll officially be 7 months pregnant on Sunday and the fact that I’m pregnant still hasn’t really dawned on me. Staying home for the remainder of the year and clearing my plate academically will really give me a chance to sit in this moment with this belly and this baby and try to be present. I don’t want our son to get here in February and I not know what to do with him. So, I’ve got about 13 weeks to get it together!

Oh, and in baby news. Our son is developing wonderfully! We still don’t have a name yet, but Husband’s 4 year old step-nephew has so graciously taken it upon himself to name our son Tarzan. Tarzan Youngest, actually. I don’t know where his brilliant little mind came up with that, but it’s sort of stuck! We all now, grandparents included, refer to our baby as Baby Tarzan! It really does fit considering the amount of pain I am in day in and day out from all the moving and kicking and bouncing around he’s doing in utero.

We passed our glucose test the other day, no gestational diabetes!! We’ve also been doing very well with all the other testing he and I have had done; everything is wonderfully normal. Except for, perhaps, his size. I am carrying a big baby. (My Husband is 6’4 so…. yea) Even at my very first 6-week sonogram, he measured 3 days bigger, and that notion has certainly continued. At our last sonogram, several weeks ago in New York, he should have weighed between 10-12 ounces when in fact he weighed in at a whopping 15 ounces. He’s 2.5 pounds now and I am feeling every bit of it: back pain, pelvic pain, abdominal pain, knee pain, neck pain, and thigh pain… I don’t think I could even express to you in words the severity of muscle pain and soreness I feel in my lady parts. It feels like my vagina muscles are shredding. I’ve been walking around for weeks with my hands in between my legs trying to hold my crotch UP to alleviate some pressure. I am definitely carrying LOW! So low in fact, that with a single kick, jab, or stretch of his body my extremities go numb and I am frozen, paralyzed in pain. Damn sciatic nerves. Pregnancy sucks. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I feel exactly like Elizabeth Banks’ character in What to Expect, When Expecting!

This juice tasted like a thousand sour skittles, and had Baby Tarzan bouncing off the walls of my uterus for HOURS!

This juice tasted like a thousand sour skittles, and had Baby Tarzan bouncing off the walls of my uterus for HOURS!

In a Constant State of Wait

I don’t think I’ve felt this down in a while. Never felt this discouraged, this lost, this confused…. It’s miserable….

Husband and I spent the weekend with my dad and his family for Memorial Weekend. It was spent with a lot of questions like, “so what are you guys up to now” and “So are you gonna go back to school?” and “What’s up with the Peace Corps?” Answering those was a combination of misery and embarrassment!

I don’t have the answers.

Course registration opened up May 20 and I haven’t been able to register because of the financial hold on my account. WHERE the fuck am I supposed to come up with $2000? So, no, I don’t know if I’m going back to school. At this rate, NYU has made the decision for us. Husband and I are barely scraping by as it is, living paycheck to paycheck, with NO room for a $2000 bill. The worst part is, if I’m not registered by a certain date than my financial aid will fall through. We’ve tried everything at this point to get that bill paid, to no avail of course….

… And I’m so sick and tired of people addressing Husband and I as if we’re two bums just trying to live off of love, just mooching around at our parent’s homes. I had to take a medical leave dammit!! I didn’t have a choice! I am JUST now starting to feel good enough to attempt to work, and at this point, there’s still no way we can come up with $2000 by June. I really hate that NYU isn’t making more of an effort to work WITH me, considering my financial aid payout was about $12,000 for housing and expenses. You’d think they’d just let me register and just deduct the hold the financial aid package right? Nope. Fuckers.

And no, I still don’t know what’s happening with the Peace Corps, they haven’t nominated us yet. We can either go work full time on a farm somewhere or gain some health education experience, at a hospice for example. There is no way in hell, I am volunteering at a hospice. For 1) I can’t handle it. I’m too emotionally fragile with all my own personal shit and the thought of hospice makes me uncomfortable and 2) that’s not what I wanted to do in the Peace Corps anyways. I want to be an educator. That’s about it.

I am like a walking depression ad. One minute, I am an enraged lunatic and the next I am a sobbing, crying, puffy-eyed, why-is-this-happening-to-me pile of mess!

All I want to do… is make a difference…. Change the world… do some good…

…and the universe won’t stop shitting on me…

And I swear to god, the next person who says, “good things come to those who wait,” will probably get smacked, stabbed, or both.

The Baby Fever’s Back

Husband and I went to church with my mom for Mother’s Day. It was quite the chaotic affair, as we showed up just before service started. The choir women were arguing about who was the better singer and why said better singer should have the solos. The mother’s were all dressed in white suites adorned with a red carnation, presented to them by the Pastor. Even that good gesture when unnoticed as one of the mother’s decided to gripe about why hers should have been a significant color to represent the death of her mother. Husband and I sat huddled together beside my mother trying our best to avoid any eye contact with any of the drama queens!

The service finally began, much later than it was supposed to, and the choir opened with their horrible covers of the loudest praise and worship songs possible. It wasn’t long before we noticed they were competing in noise level with the church upstairs. I think the drama before service threw everyone out of whack, because I couldn’t even begin to explain the sermon. I just didn’t get it.

Luckily for me, there was the most adorable baby seated right in front of me to occupy all of my attention. She couldn’t have been more than six weeks old, with a head full of hair, wearing the cutest white frilly dress. She rested in her mother’s arms just chewing away on her little fist. She was so alert: looking all over the place, often making eye contact with me.

It was during those moments, that I felt that pang deep in my heart. I want to have a baby so badly. Husband kept looking at me with the strangest gaze, like he understood that want because he feels it too, but sort of feels a little bit helpless because he knows that that want is torturing me. And it is. I want to have a baby so badly and I’m so afraid that I won’t ever get the chance to. I feel like I’m living right in the middle of an unwavering war between my two biggest desires. I want to have children, and to do so would require a lot of medical attention, preparation, planning, time, money, and effort. But, I want to serve in the Peace Corps too. I want to serve, in the trenches, abroad. That’s been a dream of mine since I was a little girl.

I’m so afraid of not making the right choice. So afraid that this situation is a “you can’t have your cake, and eat it too,” sort of situation; that I won’t be able to have both.

Husband and I want to lead a life of service, we just weren’t built for your average 9-5 jobs; we weren’t built for unfulfilling jobs and a monotone lifestyle. Sure we could start our fertility treatment journey after our two years of service in the Peace Corps, but what if we wanted to stay longer than two years? What if the Peace Corps lead us to something else that would require more time abroad in the trenches? Or what if we decide to just start a family now, and later on down the line, we resent our lives, or god forbid resent our children, for turning us into soccer parents and keeping us from things like the Peace Corps. It’s too much to handle.

A million scenarios, a million emotions, a million fears and concerns are racing through my mind as I’m looking at this little girl. And this happens all of the time, with each baby and each belly I see. As if it’s a silent reminder of a choice that needs making, that’s just lingering in the universe…

Breathe Again

Heard from Jai this morning.

She said Placement didn’t accept the conditional nomination. We have to wait until Mid-May when the new quarter opens up to see if there are spots available for us, which would make our conditional departure date April-June of 2014. But it’s okay.

I was pretty upset about this whole thing a few days ago, but now I’m alright with it. This gives me a lot more time to get my health in order. I have some “internal” issues that I’m 100% sure would have caused me fail the medical portion. There’s no way we would’ve made it to our January departure date even if Husband were qualified.

This also gives us a lot more time to pay off our credit card bills, pay off the huge amount that’s over due at NYU, and get a place of our own. I have decided to withdraw from NYU (for real for real this time) so that I can focus on my body rehab and not have to stress about it. Plus, what’s the point of moving to NY for just one year, or fitting the Peace Corps into those two years of the program. There are so many amazing graduate school opportunities for AFTER the Peace Corps, I know something will work out for me.

In the meantime, Husband and I will be looking for a place of our own because I cannot handle being in our parents’ homes for much longer. I am losing my mind. We have been living out of our element for about 4 months, and it’s affecting us tremendously. We’ll be moving to Athens, I’ll be finding a job just to pass the time by, help with bills, and spend these next few months getting well.

I have been up to my EYEBALLS in stress, trying to figure out where to go, what to do, how to make it work, what to choose, and I finally feel some relief. Granted, our plan ended up being one of the last possible options we wanted, but in the end it’s leading us to one of our goals that we felt was the farthest out of reach. We have been totally against staying in Atlanta, near or around it, but it’s what’s best at this point, AND we get to go to the Peace Corps some time next year!! So we’re game.

Things are finally looking up for us.

Sounds About Right.

Sounds About Right.

Life: 6 Jenn&Tommy: 0

My Husband and I must have been some horribly shitty people in our past lives because when I say that we cannot seem to catch a break, there is absolutely no exaggeration in those words, whatsoever!

It hadn’t even been 24 hours since our PC advisor Jai told us that she was nominating us for a program leaving in January, when we experienced our first real heartbreak. She informed me before we left her office that I would be hearing from the Medical Officers the very next day to expedite my medical forms for pre-clearance. Sure enough, by noon the next day I received the email. “Congrats on your nomination…” it started, and went on to include the EIGHT separate forms I’d need to have filled out and instructions on what materials to include.

It was official. My application status had been changed to “Nominated” and I was BEAMING with excitement. I called right away to my doctors and surgeons in Statesboro to make a day trip, three hours away, to personally drop off the forms and explain the importance of abiding by the instructions and meeting the deadlines. I have less than a month to submit the forms to the Medical Officers online. Jai also told me to be expecting an official nomination by that same morning, but it never came.

I waited and waited for the nomination email, but what I got instead nearly knocked me off my feet:

Caption via email

Caption via email

I was devastated. I cried as soon as I exited the email. I called Husband right away, and the first thing out of his mouth was, “I’m so sorry babe, this is all my fault.” I went from sad to livid in 2 seconds flat.

“No, it’s not your fault Husband. It’s HER fault. How could she miss something like that! You don’t go telling someone that you’re nominating them for a program and then say Ha just kidding your GPA isn’t high enough!! How did she miss that? That’s one of the first things she should have seen!”

At this point, I’m just over it. I’m over LIFE just shitting on us every chance it gets. Maybe Placement will consider letting us into the next program, if not, who knows when a program will pop up for the two of us. I simply responded to Jai letting her know that I am open to doing whatever it is that I can to open up our eligibility for programs. I’ll learn whatever skill, trade, or language is necessary to make sure we can get placed somewhere to serve sooner rather than later.

Jai dropped the ball with this one, but hopefully she’ll figure something out to make up for it.

The Wait is Over

We can finally breathe a little easier. We can breathe a lot easier actually, now that we have a direction. We don’t have to spend anymore time worrying and stressing about what is going to happen next for us, because now we know!!

I finally found out when registration starts for me back at NYU. I knew that general registration began April 22, so I assumed I was included because I am technically enrolled as a student. I have a $1,900 financial hold on my account and was told that if I could pay it within $1,000 then they’d work with me and let me register. I was able to go into the registration website and add my classes into a shopping cart until I was eligible to register officially. I was told last week MY registration date isn’t until May 20, which is awesome because that gives me a lot more time to pay on the amount. My OB/GYN is also still working on my letter to get me off the medical leave. Things are working out slowly in that department….

However,

Our Peace Corps interviews were yesterday.

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Our interviews were scheduled at 1:00, and we were there by 12:15!! From what we understood, we’d both have an individual interview, which lasts about 60-90 minutes, and then an interview together. Totaling 3 hours.

At one exactly, our advisor Jai walks over with a laptop in hand, and I go first. I am so nervous my stomach hurts! She asks me 18 questions, then we have a conversation about 8 topics, then the floor is open for questions. As soon as I begin answering her, she’s typing my every word, which makes me so nervous! I feel like a total idiot as I speak. An hour later, it’s Tommy’s turn. He’s not even a bit nervous. He’s as cool as ice.

As I sit in the lobby, surrounded by maps and volunteer photos, I’m watching the clock like a hawk. I hear so much laughing coming from the interview room. She didn’t laugh that much when I was in there. It’s past an hour now, and he’s still in there. Oh God, what is he saying to her! He must be stumbling. I bet she’s throwing trick questions as him….

75 minutes later, Husband comes to get me for the couple portion, and as I take a seat beside him I notice immediately that him and Jai are laughing and joking around. Wait… she LOVES him. He’s so comfortable, spitting out answers with little thought and all honesty, and here I am with nerves that are completely shot! Go figure. Husband just cannot meet a stranger.

Our couples interview was short, just a few joint questions and then lots of free time for us to address our own questions and concerns.

Well,

WE GOT NOMINATED!!!!!

I have no idea where we’re going yet, but Jai said she had NEVER nominated a couple right after interviewing them before. She told us she was working on something super specific for us, but the program is actually contingent upon my medical clearance. Husband won’t be bothered about medical stuff until later on in the summer, but I, on the other hand am supposed to be hearing from the Medical Office within 48 hours! This puts the pressure on me, because I am currently having some issues with/within my body and I’m very afraid I’ll ruin everything.

She says I have up until September to be completely medically cleared, which both IS and ISN’T a lot of time. If I am not medically cleared by September, then we could miss the program she’s working on! I was told that because of my medical history, my options for places to serve are limited. If I am not medically cleared, then I will just have to wait for the next round of nominations, which means a country within my restrictions, with spots for a couple, and with our specific skill needs, and who knows how long that could take.

It was all God in this! “It just so happened that with your regional limitations, that I have two spots open in a place you can serve, with both of your skillsets, that leave in JANUARY.” HOLY SHIT!!! January!!!!!! Husband and I have been thoroughly convinced that IF we’d get a nomination, it would be to leave in FALL of 2014…. January is practically tomorrow.

I am just so excited to have gotten nominated! I am BEYOND proud of us! It feels so good to be that much closer to achieving one of my ultimate life goals, and to be able to do this with Husband is a DREAM!! Of course, Husband is completely convinced that his charm alone got us in, but whatever, I’ll take it!! I was shouting from excitement the minute we hit the elevator!

We have a plan! We know what we’re working towards! It feels so amazing to have this huge burden lifted off of our shoulders. Granted, all of this is contingent on my medical clearance, but WE GOT IN!! WE GOT IN! WE GOT IN!!

Left Behind

It’s finally hit me: The thought of going away to the Peace Corps with Husband and leaving Apollo behind. I can’t imagine being away from him for two years; I can hardly tolerate a weekend away without him. He’s such a huge part of my life. I was very skeptical of even having him join our family, but he’s become something so precious to me. He’s become a symbol of hope. He’s like a little person with a huge personality! He’s everything I could have ever wanted in a companion. (Besides my Husband) He’s always by my side, he loves me unconditionally, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to just leave him behind.

I never understood how people could get so overly attached to their pets, or why they’d want to, but in this one short year, it all makes sense to me. It’s not about it being a human to pet relationship, or obedience vs submission, it’s about falling in love with a creature who loves you with all of their might, feeling needed and responsible for a life other than your own, it’s about knowing that no matter what you did, or who you are, or what bad shit you’re into, that creature will never judge you, never disappoint you, and never let you down.

Our Peace Corps interviews are now THREE days away, and although I’ve been struggling about this bit the entire time, it’s hitting me pretty hard now, especially when I think about the circumstances I’d be leaving him in. No matter how much I daydream about life in the Peace Corps, I have those moments where I have to ask myself whether or not I’d be able to leave Apollo behind. Here’s why I don’t think I can:

1. Apollo is my son. I say this all the time; I’ve even mentioned it in this post. He’s my Husband’s dog, but he’s my son. Apollo came into our home before I knew of our infertility troubles. We got him at just a few weeks old, so it’s safe to say I raised him. I endured that very frustrating puppy-crying-at-night phase, that god awful potty training phase, the sit-down-stay phase, and the “I am the boss of you” phase. All in all, Husband and I molded him into a very well behaved puppy, and when I got sick my love for him grew stronger. I’d come to terms in the depths of my mind that regardless of what the doctors said, I’d never be able to have kids. Apollo became that substitute for me. He’s a little spoiled because of that, but he’s a good baby. He’s the little child that, in my mind, I’ll never be able to have.

2. When I move, he moves. No matter where I go, there’s Apollo. I like it that way. I can always know what he’s into. He’s so inquisitive and he eats everything he can mouth! I don’t even like him being outside where I can’t see him. I feel so overwhelmed when Apollo isn’t around. On the rare occasion we go out of town without Apollo, I miss him with every inch of my being. I feel so disconnected. I feel naked almost. We’re a trio: Husband, Apollo and I, and when we’re separated, it’s as is our chemistry is off. How am I supposed to manage being away for 27 months?

3. Mom’s irresponsible. With Apollo at least. He came back from the doctor with very strict dietary guidelines. She’s got two dogs of her own, and honestly, I don’t trust her to be able to give Apollo the necessary attention he needs. One of the foods his vet recommended costs 20 bucks, and the bag isn’t even that big. But, it’s what will make him better so I buy it. She’s the type of parent, and I see this happening with our future children pending God’s approval, who will give him something against my specific instructions, saying “Shhh, don’t tell your mommy. This is yours and grandma’s secret” and then end up with the “Oh shit” face when he ends up having an allergic reaction to whatever it was. Unfortunately, unlike children, he’s reactions aren’t hives. He ends up with the worst runny eyes, exploding bowels, and terribly severe ear infections. She doesn’t know him like I do, she’s not every aware of his behaviors. I ALWAYS know when something isn’t right with him.

4. Mom’s house is a zoo. She’s got a yappy Yorkie who’s about 4 years old now, so spoiled and untrained. She wears dresses, and basically runs the house. She’s the pack leader in their dynamics. She still shits/pisses in the house for god’s sake. She’s also got a young golden retriever, who spends most of her time with nothing to do in the backyard or shoved into a kennel that is two sizes too small. She’s so unruly; she’s eating all of my mom’s light fixtures in the backyard!! Her and Apollo play so roughly. She’s a big dog and Apollo’s a miniature. She knocks him down the stairs all the time. When I’m here I keep those two separated, who is to say she’ll continue to do that with me gone for two years. She thinks their roughhousing is cute! Honestly, Husband and I say quite often that if my mom’s choice of dog food doesn’t kill him first, then her dog will!

5. Apollo’s coat mats so easily. Apollo is a miniature schnauzer, which means he’s a hypoallergenic breed, which also means he doesn’t shed. Because he doesn’t shed, his hair grows really long, really fast. If we miss ONE day of brushing him, he’s all matted up! He gets these big huge mats under his chest, on his legs, around his neck, and in the pockets of his hind legs. We shave his coat down ourselves to keep costs down. I have absolutely no faith in the thought or idea that my mother would get him groomed, or groom him herself. The mats hurt him, and he’s gets very angry when they’re touched. Rightfully so. We’d go to the Peace Corps, and come back to see our dog looking like some homeless stray and would have to shave him bald. I just don’t trust that he’d be very well taken care of.

6. My sister is a total bitch and I don’t want her touching my dog. I don’t even want to get into the logistics of the lack of relationships we have, nor the lack of shits I give about it, but I don’t want her touching my dog. I want his shots, his updated medical exams, whatever, done by a fucking professional. I am not, and have never been, one of those people who do that shit on my own. I will not ever administer shots to Apollo alone, nor will Husband. I will never DIY immunizations or boosters, or any of that shit. I don’t want her bullshitting around and giving Apollo a shot and having to receive a phone call about the consequences of her incompetence. I hate her, I hate seeing her, I hate the thought of Apollo being anywhere near her when I’m not around.

I don’t think I can leave him here for two years, let alone in the care of my mother, but she’s our only choice. I couldn’t ask anyone to take him for two years, because having a dog is a really big responsibility. At least with my mother, I know she loves him. She sucks at taking care of him, but she does love him, and he loves her. So, although I’m technically not leaving a child behind, that’s exactly what it feels like.

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Baby Steps

This “medical leave” has been a long, stressful, embarrassing situation for me. I was offered acceptance into my dream school and was there for two weeks before I had to withdraw for the year. There’s a really long backstory here explaining why.

So far, it’s been six months since I’ve been on medical leave and I was supposed to be starting the process to come OFF the medical leave back in January, but I just haven’t. I’m not even sure why. On most days it’s because I’m thoroughly convinced I’m done with NYU, because 1. I just don’t want to go back to the city, 2. I think I want to start the baby-creating process, and 3. I’m not sure if I’m even mentally ready to go back yet. The string of surgeries and pressures of this infertility thing have really chipped at my psyche and NYU needs my full and utmost attention.Then there are those days when I want to go back to school, because I need some normalcy back in my life. I need to move forward, and I miss school. I miss learning, and what better place to learn than at NYU!

Well, regardless of how ready I am or am not, I made one small step in the name of Progress today. I called my OB/GYN/Surgeon and asked him to create a document for me, to forward to my advisor, stating I am able to return to school this fall. He had to submit one to her last year saying that it was in my best interest if I took a medical leave, and I decided to take if for the duration of the year. He said he’d do it. He said he’d work on the document and fax it to her as soon as he could.

Baby steps.

Even if Husband and I decide before school starts in September that we really, truly, don’t want to go back to NYC, that’s ok. But in the meantime, I have to try and grab the reigns back from these situations in my life. I walked away from NYU last year feeling so humiliated and embarrassed. It was for my own good I suppose, but still. I can’t continue to sit around and wait for the universe to make these decisions for me.

I have to pick myself up and move on. Regardless of my fears of infertility, or making the wrong choice… sitting here, stagnant, doesn’t help. We have many decisions to make by the end of summer, and I’m just going to try to make the best out of the waiting period. This was a big step for me today. It felt good taking some control.

That’s why rehabilitation is all about right? Learning to regain control of your life, taking the power back, and becoming a better and smarter choice maker.

Maybe I'll be back.

Maybe I’ll be back.

You Can’t Take a Baby to the Peace Corps Jenn!!!

With our Peace Corps interviews just 10 days away… I should be spending this time going over questions with Husband, and tweaking our answers to make sure we sound intelligent by limiting the “uhm’s” in case a question catches us off guard. I don’t want us to be ill prepared, but let’s face it, I’ve wanted to join the Peace Corps since HIGH SCHOOL, and Husband’s only recently learned of the Peace Corps, thanks to yours truly.

We should be spending this time shooting off any range of questions we can think of at each other and brushing up on our international affairs; the “goings-on’s” of the world… yet and still, with our Peace Corps interviews just 10 days away, there is only one thing on my mind….

…I want to have a baby…

Yea, talk about a wrench in the plans, huh!

I am not sure if it’s the hormonal surge because of my cycle this week, or if it’s because of the baby fever I cannot seem to shake. Whatever it is, the want, the desire, is so strong and so real, it’s almost annoying.

The Peace Corps is a two-year commitment, and for a normal woman, that’s not a big deal. For me, for someone with Endo & PCOS, it’s a very long, very big gamble.
What also sucks, is that most days, I can’t decide which want outweighs the other. The pros/cons are equal. Of course on a super emotional day, babies win. But on those days where I’m fed up with my parents or America, for that matter, Peace Corps takes the cake.

Husband is so lovingly unhelpful. “Whatever you want to do babe, I’m right with you.” “I want a baby too, but I would also love to do the Peace Corps, it’s so noble.” “I don’t know babe, it’s your decision.”

Thanks.

One of my sorority sisters is having a baby and although I am OVERJOYED for her, I’m a little jealous. She’s shopping for baby furniture and posting them on Instagram, and every time I run across a photo, it’s like a jab in the heart. I’m not saying she’s purposely doing this to me, I’ve never even shared my infertility troubles with her, but I want a baby! Well, maybe even more than wanting a baby, in the flesh, right now… I want TO BE ABLE to have a baby. Whenever that time comes, I want to be able to give my husband a child.

Perhaps that’s why this upcoming interview is freaking me out a bit. I am just worried that two years after service, my body isn’t going to cooperate. Hell, it isn’t cooperating now.

Then again, I’ve been reading and following so many Peace Corps blogs and with each post, I get more excited to go! I am just so excited to be interviewing with the man of my dreams. Can you imagine it? Living out one of my childhood “Save The World” dreams with my main man, Husband?! I can’t wait. Living in a mud hut, shitting in a hole, teaching students, being immersed in culture and language… what a magnificently, life-changing opportunity.

Yea, see. I want each one just as bad as the other.

How would you choose?

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The Rejection

Every morning I spring right out of my sleep and reach right for the phone to check my email. I wait patiently as my iphone loads and cringe when I see I’ve received nothing from UW’s School of Social Work. I do and have done this every morning since February.

Today was no different. I’m getting really frustrated. I applied for the early decision deadline and was supposed to hear back a month ago. It’s making me paranoid. I want to know something!! Actually, I NEED to know something. There are so many other things Husband and I have floating out in the universe that need decisions and we haven’t been able to make them because so much is pending.

At this point, I’m feeling like I didn’t get in, so as I check my phone this morning, I don’t even feel excited when I see, “SSW Admissions: A response…” in the subject line in my inbox. My eyes dart right past the frill and straight to the “Unfortunately we cannot offer you admission…”

I’m not shocked. I’m not surprised. I’m not sad. I don’t even really care anymore. Maybe a month ago I’d be disappointed because this is now my second UW rejection. Maybe a month ago I’d be devastated because we want to move back to Seattle SOOOO badly and this was the perfect plan. But today, as I’m sitting here tired, worn, and stoic. I don’t care.

Frankly, that’s one less choice we’d have to sort through by summer. Now, it’s between returning to NYU and the Peace Corps (if and when that ever moves along). So far, I’ve got a huge financial hold on my account that is about to be sent to collections because they over-refunded me before my medical leave, which means I cannot register for classes next month. Thanks NYU. Husband is pretty confident that the Peace Corps will actually work out, but the catch is the application process is SOOOOO…..LOOOOOONG. We have an interview on April 18th but between waiting for medical clearances, nominations, and placements for not one but TWO people, we could be waiting around all year, and that’s if they even like us.

UGH.

How exhausting my life has turned out to be. I don’t even want to get started on how Husband and I are feeling about our current living situation. That’s a whole ‘nother post for a whole ‘nother day.

Fucking UW…. Jerks.

*Then Walks Away*

*Then Walks Away*

-Jenn