The Silver Lining Myth

Up to this point, all I could do was sympathize with those who were struggling to pay medical bills, having to refrain from seeking quality treatment and healthcare, because the costs were just too great. Up to this point, all I could do was try to imagine what it would be like to be so financially overwhelmed with medical bills, that it makes doing virtually anything at all, that much more difficult.
Up until now, all I could do was imagine, hypothetically, what life would be like in that predicament….

Now, I get it.

Here’s the thing about my mother. It’s easier for her to treat me like a business associate, that an actual daughter, so she doesn’t really have to be a parent. Whenever she has something important to say, she sends me an email. She’s that passive-aggressive type of person, where she’ll say something, because it sounds good, but she doesn’t really mean it. She’s a total asshole.

Last year, I had two big surgeries. I had a laparoscopy that averaged about 44 thousand dollars, and a Laser LEEP procedure that average about 37 thousand dollars. I’m not sure if that includes the many biopsies, the lab tests, the blood work, etc. Both of my parents are still carrying me on their medical insurances because I’m still under 26 years old. Both of the insurances covered most of the costs, with a few thousand dollars left over.

For the past year since the surgery, I have been on a medical leave from school, unemployed because of pain and sickness, and my husband has just started working, since he JUST graduated in December….

According to my mother, any amount of money left over on the surgical bill is my responsibility. It COULD’VE been fine if this was expressed to us early on. She’s been telling us that she’s been paying monthly on the balances, so up until now I haven’t worried about it. We’ve got a mountain of other bills to pay ourselves. Credit card bills, utility bills, phone bills, a car bill, and this NYU bill. Each bill is around or over $1,000, and Husband isn’t making that much money.

Anyways, about 3 weeks ago, I get a letter in the mail informing me that one of my medical bills is about to be sent to collections with a balance of $300. Just
$300! In bright red it read, “This is the fourth notice, this bill will be sent to collections unless you pay this amount in full or arrange a payment plan.” Great. Another fucking bill. Meanwhile, my mother is sticking to her story that she is making payments. This collections notice though, is telling me otherwise.

Today she calls me downstairs to hand me a piece of mail and I open it in the staircase. It read, “You have recently been audited and although you have been making payments, the original payment agreement has expired and your balance is now $1500… Please increase you payment amount by 15%….”

She turns to me and says, “Welp, I guess you better go set up a payment plan.” Right. ME AND WHAT FUCKING INCOME?!

So now, a bill that she has allegedly been paying on, has become my responsibility. I promise I don’t mean to sound like a brat, because I’m not, but here’s why I’m upset. 1) Who the fuck makes their child pay for their own surgeries? It’s not like I have amazing health coverage from a job and my husband has great coverage from his job. We don’t!! I’m not even working!! And it’s not normal to hand over thousands of dollars in medical debt to the person who just had surgery and doesn’t even have a job. I still can’t get my body in order as it is. She never would have done this if it were my sister. The bills would’ve been paid ON TIME, in full, signed, sealed and stamped with love and affection! For me though, that’s just not the case. And 2) I’M NOT FUCKING WORKING!!! You can’t just make the payments until I can find an income? I’d gladly take the payments over then, but you just can’t wait huh? It’s that imperative to you, to just wipe your hands clean of any responsibilities as a parent… but then has the nerve to be in my face EVERY FUCKING DAY, encouraging me to have a baby because that’s what the doctor says to do. How the fuck does that work?

We just got a huge financial blessing from one of Husband’s cousins to help us to get to New York City, so that I can go to school… now this? I’m starting to feel like I should just give in to the universe. Things just aren’t supposed to be this difficult! All I want to do is go to school. Now I believe that’s the most irresponsible option out there. What I should do is withdraw and get a whack ass salary job because not only do these bills just keep accumulating; but Husband and I are sick and tired of living like this. His paychecks are accounted for days and weeks before they even hit his account.

I just can’t deal…. There’s just no silver lining in this.

Oh, and where the fuck is my period!!!

June Blog Challenge, Post VIII: SAHM?

Here’s the prompt for Day 8 of the June Blog Challenge over at Waiting for Baby.

If you had a choice- SAHM?

If I had the choice to be a Stay At Home Mom, I’d probably absolutely take the opportunity, especially if it were manageable financially; f we were able to live off of one income for a few years. I’ve never had kids, but I can only imagine how expensive childcare services can become up until elementary school.

Husband and I talked about this the other day, when I was mentioning a super cool blog I read about a stay at home dad, and I was pretty surprised to hear him say he’d be open to being a SAHD if things worked out that way!

I also think, and this is just my opinion here, that when you deal with infertility or struggle to bring your baby to term, the desire to want to be around your baby is greater. If Husband and I were to one day, finally be able to have a baby, there’s NO WAY you’d be able to take him/her out of my sight!!

The Doctor Helps My Body, But Not My Pockets

I decided today that I’m going to take a break from my Lady Doctor. I’ve been seeing a new OB/GYN who specializes in homeopathic treatments, and although she’s amazing, she’s even more expensive. I’ve been seeing her regularly every two weeks for quite some time now, but I’ve got to stop, at least for a little while.

Husband’s been working really hard to support us on his income alone and these doctor’s visits are becoming a bit overwhelming for him financially, and for me physically. I was scheduled for a follow-up appointment tomorrow, but we’re so strapped for cash, I didn’t really have a choice but to reschedule. Besides our financial situation, I’m honestly not even sure what the point is for all these visits. Nothing seems to be working, but it’s costing me over $100 every time I leave her office, on medications alone, not including the copay!

Two weeks ago, I left her office with a small bag full of medications, all of which I listed in this post, and I honestly don’t feel or notice any difference. Let me just follow up with you really quickly on some of those medications.

I was given a big bottle of liquid silver, in which to consume 3 ounces daily. By the third day of consuming the silver I was in the worst shape ever. I was having terrible migraines, flu-like symptoms, and I even had a mild hallucination one morning! After doing some research, I discovered I was consuming Colloidal Silver, which isn’t even safe for consumption and according to everything I found online, doesn’t have any proven benefits! I immediately stopped taking it!

I was also prescribed a first-aid Silver topical ointment for the painful sex situation, and I’ve only used it a few times, but it has definitely helped! My lady parts were still a bit tender for a day or two after sex, but there was a significant change in the intensity. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like I was having sex with a rusty fork. We’ll consider that a WIN!!

I was also prescribed estroDIM, which is supposed to block estrogen production and eat up the excess estrogen in my body. I take two doses daily. I don’t really know if I’m supposed to notice any changes in my body, but the ones I am noticing, I’m not thrilled about! I am breaking out like a teenager during puberty. I mean my skin looks disgusting! I RARELY break out on my back! It’s so gross! My face, my chest, and my back are all broken out and I’m miserable about it! I have always had an issue with breakouts, blackheads, and oily skin because 1) I don’t manage stress very well and 2) because that’s a telltale symptom of PCOS, but as of the past three weeks… I mean, eww. I don’t even want to leave the house. It’s embarrassing.

All in all, I’ve been taking some pretty strong probiotics and vitamins to support the estroDIM, and I’ve got a pretty awesome remedy for the painful sex thing, so I think I’ll just stop right here and take a hiatus from visiting her. Her products cost way too much for me to handle right now anyways. I’ve got enough of the estroDIM and probotics to last me the rest of the month, so I’ll revisit her some time in July. This will give Husband and I a chance to channel that money elsewhere, and I can have a break from pill popping!

There is, however, one doctor that I actually SERIOUSLY need to see…. A colon specialist…

Our First Big Break

I don’t really want to get into the details of this situation right now, because I am terrified to jinx it….

…but…

If you’ve been following us, you know that we’ve been living in absolute limbo! The Peace Corps is taking for-fucking-ever to give us a nomination, I haven’t been able to register for classes at NYU because of this monstrous financial hold on my account, which was their fault anyways, and we’ve been bouncing back and forth between our parents home’s like two nomads!

Well, Husband worked a miracle last night, and got $1000 to pay towards my $1800 hold!!

Things may just be looking up for us!

We may just have a way out!!

AHHHH!!!!!!

June Blog Challenge, Post V: Pets

Here’s the prompt for Day 5 of the June Blog Challenge over at Waiting for Baby.

Do you have any pets?

I do have a pet, he’s a Miniature Schnauzer named Apollo. To my Husband, he’s our pet. To me, he’s my son. We got Apollo as a puppy right around the time I found out about my Endo & PCOS, and that we’d have trouble getting pregnant. Almost immediately he went from being my pet puppy to being my child.

Having such intense baby fever and struggling to accept my conditions sort of transformed our bond into what it is today. Apollo and I are inseparable. He means the world to me!

He’ll be two this year! He was born in November 2011, and we got him in January of 2012, while Husband and I were living in Statesboro. He was such a pain in the ass to train! Potty training him was a torturous test of patience and restraint. He constantly did his business in the house during the first few months of the year until it started warming up outside.

He’s such a brilliant little one! He’s very smart and learns very quickly! It took me just a week to teach him our most common commands. He knows how to open doors on his own; he’s very curious, and incredibly loving.

He’s a bit of a jerk to other people, but we’re working on it!

June Blog Challenge, Post III: Indulgences

Here’s the prompt for Day 3 of the June Blog Challenge over at Waiting for Baby.

What is your biggest indulgence?

This is actually a pretty tough question, and I’m honestly unsure of what the answer is. I asked Husband what he thought was my biggest indulgence and he was stumped too! I guess I can list three things that I indulge in, but I am not sure which one is the biggest:

1. Piping Hot Showers: I don’t think there is anything more amazing than a super hot shower. I’m an extreme water waster in this regard as my showers are usually no shower than 30 minutes long! Besides my obsession with being, feeling, and smelling CLEAN, I do a lot of my daily soul searching in the shower. That’s probably the only place I can really, vulnerably sort through my day, or my troubles. My best therapeutic shower sessions leave the bathroom so steamy, you can hardly see in front of you, and when I finally step out of the bathroom, my hair is so frizzy and my skin is so beet red. God, I love that!

Everyday!

Everyday!

2. Chocolate: I am such a chocolate fiend! Especially when I’m PMSing. The downside though, is that my skin is so sensitive to chocolate. I just can’t ever seem to have enough though: chocolate bars, chocolate milk, hot chocolate, chocolate ice cream…. Because I’m an emotional eater, chocolate stands in my first line of defense.

You Gotta Try This!

You Gotta Try This!

3. Empanadas: My mom used to make empanadas for me as a kid, but she never made them often. I knew, instantly, from the smell that crept into my room, when she was cooking empanadas from scratch. Everything about an empanada makes me melt! The crunchy, bubbly dough, the savory, perfectly season beef in the inside, the mixture of flavors of peppers and onions, and seasonings, all the way down to the red grease that drips and travels down your arm as you bite into one! OH MY GOD!!! I learned how to make them myself about a year or so ago, and I understand why she never made them often. They’re a bit messy to make! When I do make them, I can go through 3-4 of them on my own!! They are my absolute FAVORITE Spanish food on the planet!!!!

YUUUUMMM!!!!!

YUUUUMMM!!!!!

I’m starting to think #3 is my biggest indulgence! What are some of yours?

June Blog Challenge, Post II: Cars

Here’s the prompt for Day 2 of the June Blog Challenge over at Waiting for Baby.

What do you drive?

I drive a 2000 bluish-green Toyota Corolla. I got my car during the Christmas break of my freshman year of college. I was going to school about three hours away from home, in a small country town called Statesboro. Basically, I NEEDED a car. It belonged to my maternal grandmother, and she and her brother drove it down to me from NY to GA so I could have it. She named him St. John the Baptist, but I just call him SJB for short.

On my very FIRST drive back to Statesboro for spring semester, in my very FIRST car ever, I got my very FIRST speeding ticket that landed me on my very FIRST and ONLY stint on probation…

…. I was flying down highway 16 when I got pulled over for doing 98 in a 70. I don’t even know how that little car managed to go that fast, but there I was… pleading for my life with the officer as he handed me a fat ass yellow ticket with a mandatory court date.
Luckily, for it being my first “offense,” the judge decided to reduce my speed to 93 so that I could keep my license and reduced the fee to $800. Needless to say, I didn’t have $800 just lying around so I ended up on 6-months probation. Along with the probation fee, my ticket cost well over $1000!! My dad ended up paying my ticket for me each month, and the following year, when I could work, I ended up working full-time at a retail store WHILE attending school full-time just to pay it back.

You’d think I’d learned my lesson, huh?

To date, I’ve had 1 seat belt ticket, 2 more speeding tickets, 1 expired tag ticket, and 2 accidents.

What is your dream car?

I’m not sure that I have a dream car. I don’t know much about cars or car brands, that’s more of Husband’s thing.

I do, however, have a checklist of what I would like my future car to have:
1. Power Windows
2. Power Locks
3. Sun Roof (SJB doesn’t have that)
4. Tinted Windows w/a sun strip. (SJB doesn’t have that)
5. CD player, ipod port. (SJB has a cassette player!)
6. Tell me when my tires need air, and which tire it is.
7. Tell me what fluid is low.
8. DO NOT have the seat belt beeping noise. It makes me fucking CRAZY.
9. TV in the headrest for the future kiddies. (negotiable)
10. I want the blinkers to flash in the side-view mirrors.
11. I want a super cool, sleek, sexy car shape.
12. A huge trunk.
13. Butt warmer seats!
14. Leather seats? (They hurt in the summer, but they don’t stain!)
15. Latest and Greatest safety features.
16. In-car navigation monitor.
17. Big windows and little blind spots.
18. Electric Seat Positioners. (SJB doesn’t have that)
19. Automatic Gear! (Ain’t nobody got time for stick)
20. Black on Black everything!!

See, that’s all pretty basic. I just want a nice car. I don’t need extravagance.

June Blog Challenge, Post I: Family

Here’s the prompt for Day 1 of the June Blog Challenge over at Waiting for Baby.

How did your parents meet?

I am not quite sure how my parents met. Sometimes, I wish they hadn’t at all. Then again, when you witness a divorce as nasty as theirs, it’s sort of hard not to wish they never met. My parents separated when I was in the 8th grade and my sister was in elementary school. I don’t think I really understood why they were separating at the time, but I understood completely that the family dynamics were going to change tremendously.
I was a total daddy’s girl, and the separation broke my heart. I spent a lot of time really angry with my dad. I felt like I was being abandoned. It was like he sort of checked out, on being a parent. He wanted to be there part-time, and he made that very clear. There’s always been sort of a divide within my family: my mom & sister, and my dad & I, and here I was, being left with them. There was a lot of tension in my household when my dad left. They fought all the time and in the most explosive, verbally abusive ways imaginable. We, children, were the ones to pay the price.
By the time I had gotten to high school, I hated my dad for “what he did,” and I hated my mom for turning us against my dad. Because she did, she would bash him to us, and naturally we were swayed. I was a little older though, so I could filter out most of her hurt, but all of this happened as my sister was growing up. She grew up programmed to hate him, and she does. It’s pretty tragic.
My parents divorced officially ten years later, while I was in college and by this point, I had learned to function with my anger. I learned that their failed marriage had nothing to do with me, their separation was not my fault, and that their divorce had no reflection on my life. I’ve been able to keep my resentment for such a shitty childhood separate from how things are now in my adulthood.
I have to learn to love my parents from a distance, because if not, the dynamics of our family infuriates me, and that’s therapy session I NEVER want to have.

Do you have any sisters or brothers? Tell us what you want.

I have one biological sister. She’s five years younger than me. I say biological, because our “sisterhood” is nonexistent. My parents raised us very differently, and because of that, she and I can barely co-exist. I’m the oldest, so naturally, my parents (specifically my mother) were very hard on me. My household was very strict; my figurative leash was incredibly short. My sister, however, was the fucking golden child. She could come and go as she pleased, and whenever she messed up, it was my fault, because I was the oldest. She never had chores, she never had her own responsibilities, she was never held accountable for her actions or her mistakes. The rules I had growing up, were never imposed on her, she did no wrong. She’s…..

…. You know what, I’m going to stop right there, because I’m starting to get upset. I hate her for reasons I really don’t want to share, and there’s nothing more to say about it.

Actually, let me start over.

Do you have any sisters or brothers? Tell us what you want.

I’m an only child.

June Blog Challenge

I decided to join in on the June Blog Challenge over at Waiting For Baby. I’m a few days late, but I plan on catching up within the next few posts, here’s the list of prompts for each day of this month in case anyone else would like to follow along:

1.Family story – how did your parents meet, how many brothers/sisters, tell us what you want.
2. What do you drive? What is you dream car?
3. Biggest indulgence
4. Favorite snack?
5. Do you have any pets?
6. Name you picked out for your kids when you were younger. Bonus: share any name ideas you have now
7. You’re in labor: drugs or no drugs. Why?
8. If you had a choice – SAHM?
9. How supportive is your SO in your TTC journey?
10. How do you help get yourself (and or SO) get in the mood to DTD during the fertile period?
11. Describe your wedding.
12. Perfect anniversary – describe it.
13. What’s the most interesting vacation you have been on?
14. First job
15. First love
16. What did you have for breakfast today? What do you normally have?
17. Do you drink coffee? Cream/sugar/how do you drink your coffee?
18. If your insurance covered infertility treatments at 100%, unlimited attempts – what would you try and for how long?
19. What’s your advice for parenting an adopted child?
20. What sounds reasonable in an open adoption – I.e. how much contact is do-able?
21. Tell me about a TTC blog I don’t have on my blog roll – why should I go visit? (No preggos please)
22. What’s your favorite children’s book?
23. If you had 100,000 that had to be donated to charity what would you do with it?
24. What’s your biggest fear about becoming a mom?
25. Describe the contents of your purse. What kind of purse do you have?
26. If you could give advice to a newbie infertile, what would it be?
27. When you were younger, what job(s) did you want to have?
28. Do you speak any other languages? When do you think a child should learn a new language?
29. Tell me the highlights of your college years.
30. What’s one thing in your closet you wear when you have a nice occasion? Interpret that as a date night or important job event.