8 Weeks and A Ways To Go

OMG I’m dying. Dying I tell you!!

I feel like absolute shit, and I look just as bad as I feel!! I haven’t washed my hair in days, I haven’t been out much, and I don’t want company. I throw up after each meal now and so quickly that I’m sure I’m not obtaining any essential vitamins from my meals. My prenatals are quite a bitch to keep down too. They smell like rotten fish, no thanks to the fish oils and omega-3’s.

I’m headed into my 3rd consecutive week of all day Extreme Nausea and the vomiting started last week. My throat and my chest are always on fire, and my stomach muscles are very sore. I can hardly stand up for 5 full minutes before feeling very weak and queasy. I tired very easily too. I’ve taken a nap almost every day and if I don’t get a nap in, I can certainly tell a difference in my mood. My energy drops dramatically, and I’m really rather cranky.

I’ve been able to pinpoint some of my latest food aversions: almond milk, salsa and tomato sauces for example. Those, however, couldn’t hold a candle to TOOTHPASTE! Dear God, as soon as I get a whiff of toothpaste, or as soon as the toothpaste touches my tongue, my stomach is officially on E! I barf by the bucketload, guaranteed at least twice a day. I’m going to brush my teeth dammit.

So far, I’m not really enjoying this pregnancy. I don’t care what size it is, what sort of sea creature it may look like this week… I just want to eat a meal and keep it down. My skin is breaking out like crazy, I can’t stay awake, I can’t focus, I can’t stand up for too long, and I am having the worst sleep ever! My lower abdomen feels so tender, I’m sore all across my core, and my lady parts hurt. I’m a total stomach sleeper, which is now shitfest. God, someone get me the FUCK out of this first trimester. I can’t fathom five more weeks of this Barf-a-thon.

Someone please help me!

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June ICLW

Hi guys!!

Welcome back to our blog! Or just WELCOME TO OUR BLOG for your first timers!!

Since last month, there have been lots of crazy changes! Well maybe not lots, but just ONE big, huge, giant change.

Husband and I still have heard nothing from the Peace Corps, but we really shouldn’t hear anything back until August anyways, that’s when the new quarter opens up.

The NYU thing is still pretty stagnant; the monetary help hasn’t come in just yet, which means i still haven’t been able to register for classes for the fall semester which begins in SEPTEMBER!!!

Ugh,

But here’s the big bomb… We’re pregnant!!

I don’t know how… I mean, obviously I do… but really I don’t. Husband and I keep joking that our GYN managed to find a loop hole in our infertility with her all-natural products and holistic treatments and medicines, ESPECIALLY considering we only had sex like… 4 times in May.

Divine Intervention.

So now, we’re just trying to decide what the hell we’re going to do all over again. Where to go. Where to settle down. With not much time!

 

 

Heartbeats & Tummy Aches

Husband and I had our very first ultrasound the other day. It was a vaginal ultrasound, and I was beyond relieved I hadn’t taken my BFF along with us!!

Our GYN was a few days off, as our Little Manatee measured in at 6 weeks and 3 days. Husband got to see everything on the monitor first, so I got to watch his face.

As our nurse dimmed the lights, and shoved the ultrasound stick right into my lady parts, she began navigating my womb and explaining to him what she was seeing.

I don’t think I have ever seen such a vast combination of emotion in Husband’s face before. Our nurse was able to locate our Little Manatee, and explained that the little fluttering he saw, was the heartbeat. When she played the audio of the heartbeat, I was so caught of guard!!

I cried so hard! It was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. At first, I thought it was my own heartbeat, but she assured me it was Little Manatee’s! It was so strong, and so steady. I think in that moment, it hit me… there’s a baby, growing, in my belly.

A real baby…. WITH A HEARTBEAT!

When it was my turn to see the monitor, I was so amazed that something so small was causing me a world of pain!

The morning sickness has been more like an all day barf fest. And the abdominal cramps are very crampy and very scary. I just keep praying that nothing goes wrong, and that these cramps are normal.

Our nurse gave us ultrasound pictures to take home for Little Manatee’s grandparents.

This still feels totally unreal!

Seven Weeks and Counting

I feel terrible. Absolutely terrible. I feel like I’ve had a level 5 hangover for a week straight. I keep hearing that it’s normal and that it could potentially get a bit worse from here, but goodness… this is torture! I wake up insanely nauseous and it doesn’t let up until I pass out for the night. Oh, and I can’t seem to stop eating. Oddly enough, the only time I DON’T feel nauseous is when I’m stuffing my face. I’ve been taking my prenatal vitamins at night as well, to offset some of the nausea. They taste like fish-oil and ass! Yuck. In addition to my nausea (not vomiting so far), I’ve been quite the narcoleptic. I am constantly operating below 50% charge all day, everyday. I think I fell asleep in the middle of a conversation with my mom today. How embarrassing!

Mom sent me a photo of what our baby looks like at 7 weeks…

IMAG0192

He/she looks like a little manatee, but it is supposedly measuring the size of a blueberry! Now I’ve dubbed him/her our “Little Manatee.” It’s becoming more and more real everyday that this pregnancy is legit and NOT a sick joke from the cosmos. Husband is definitely getting more excited. To say he was a bit shell-shocked would be the understatement of the year!! It’s totally understandable too. I mean, we’ve barely figured out what’s going on with us in regards to NYU and the Peace Corps, and now this.

Perhaps this is why things were just seemingly much more difficult than they all should’ve been. I hear they say, “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.” Ha! How appropriate. We’re just trying to figure out now, what’s the best option for our Little Manatee.

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound. I’m not sure what to expect… lots of medical history questions and perhaps getting to see how many little manatees are in the depths of my uterus. Mom keeps joking around that my GYN put my ovaries into hyper speed and sort of revved up the engines of my lady parts and that I shouldn’t be surprised if my ovaries released an egg or TWO. I say, stop it! Husband and I are just fine with one little Invader of the Uterus!

Apollo doesn't seemed to thrilled at the idea of being a "Big Brother."

Apollo doesn’t seemed to thrilled at the idea of being a “Big Brother.”

This Changes Everything: The Confirmation. Part Two

* Disclaimer: If you follow our story through this blog, please be a friend and keep the following story here. We will transfer this news across the social media boards on our own, at the right time. Don’t beat us to the punch, FB friends, Twitter tweeters, and Instagramers! If you fail this mission, Jenn will be really mad and Husband will smash your house and eat your young. *

I cannot believe this. I’m pregnant. Six weeks pregnant. Like, with a baby. A real baby. Not a food baby, a human one. That Husband and I made.

How could this have happened? (I don’t mean that in a when-a-man-and-a-woman-love-each-other sort of way)

Doctor after doctor, test after test, result after result have all confirmed my infertility and have made it very clear that Husband and I wouldn’t be able to conceive without medical intervention….

… Yet here we are, with a bun in the oven.

I’m so overwhelmed with emotions: happiness, gratitude, fear, concern, worry…

I’m a bit shell-shocked actually.

I sort of put the idea of children out of my mind, because infertility treatments are so expensive and emotionally taxing.

The more I think about it, I believe it’s a matter of nothing but Divine Intervention. Here’s the thing:
1. I’ve been seeing my GYN every two weeks for the longest to try every treatment, supplement, and option she can think of to stabilize my very hostile insides. I mean I’ve been on pills, on liquids, on suppositories, on shots…. The works…
2. In the course of 6+ months, I’ve really altered my diet as best I can, eliminating gluten, soy, dairy, processed meats, preservatives and additives, and I’ve even shed about 10+ pounds.
3. I’ve become very familiar with essential oils and natural organic products, in order to eliminate some of the xenoestrogens from the environment that may be setting of my internal chemistry to worsen my Endo and PCOS.

But here’s the craziest part, because of the painful sex situation, Husband and I have had sex TWICE in the entire month of May.

So you mean to tell me, that 10 pills a day of natural supplements, and estrogen blockers encouraged my ovaries to produce an actual egg this time, that just so happened to be fertilized on one of the TWO days that Husband and I had sex, and that my body was stable just enough to actually support the embryo….

Divine Intervention.

Husband and I are so crazy excited! I just can’t believe it’s even real. I’m so afraid of sharing my news, because my body’s been so fragile up to this point, I feel like I really have to protect this blessing.

I know you should wait until after 8 weeks to say anything, because that’s when you’re relatively in the clear for avoiding miscarriage, but I just had to post. If anything were to happen, I would hate myself for not allowing me to be fully present in this moment, now.

We’re having a baby.

OMG!

This Changes Everything: The Test. Part One.

* Disclaimer: If you follow our story through this blog, please be a friend and keep the following story here. We will transfer this news across the social media boards on our own, at the right time. Don’t beat us to the punch, FB friends, Twitter tweeters, and Instagramers! If you fail this mission, Jenn will be really mad and Husband will smash your house and eat your young. *

Something told me that this late period was going to be much different from any other late period I’d ever had. I haven’t even craved chocolate for God’s sake! Typically when my cycle is near, late or not, I’m a crying, bloated, killer for chocolate, hormonal, attitudinal ass mess! This month, something was off.

My period has, since my surgeries last August, become pretty regular. I can expect it to start at least between the 3rd and the 6th of each month, but as the 11th rolled around… I got a little worried. No spotting, no pink, no nothing.

I’ve been taking a handful of natural, holistic, of-the-earth supplements every day aimed at fixing my hormonal imbalance; reducing my excess estrogen, lowering my insulin, restoring the vitamin and nutrient deficiency, and replenishing my ecosystem of good bacteria via probiotics. I’ve even shed 10 pounds, and have modified my diet. No gluten, soy, or dairy; at least 75% of the time.

…But my period hasn’t come. My suspicion: My endometriosis has regrown and taken over my ovaries again and my PCOS has caused cysts to reform that are triggering irregular periods. It’s been almost a year since my laparoscopy, and I can’t believe I’m in the same physical condition already!

I went to see an endocrinologist on Monday the 10th and he gave me some amazing information about PCOS and thoroughly explained what Metformin is and how it would help me out. What I liked about him, versus my GYN, is that he aims to target my hormonal imbalance and it’s affect on my entire body, whereas the GYN wants to target the hormones keeping me from getting pregnant. I want to fix my whole body, not just pieces of it. I returned the following morning to have EIGHT viles of blood extracted for many tests. The nurses say he’s thorough.

June 11, I sat downstairs watching The Braxton Family Values, my guiltiest pleasure ever! Tamar is my absolute favorite next to Toni! The season’s been following her throughout her pregnancy, and I don’t know what came over me or what about my mini-marathon triggered my reaction, but I ran upstairs, dug through a box, found a pregnancy test and peed on it…

Two pink lines: one dark, one faint.

Later on when Husband got home, I took the second one I had stashed away.

…Two pink lines: one dark, one faint.

Immediately, we knew it had to be a reaction to the all-natural, holistic, medicine man, juju pills that I’ve been taking. There’s no way, one little month of natural supplements could find or create a loophole in my infertility to get us pregnant. It just doesn’t work like that.

On the 12th, Husband and I went to Walmart to get an electronic pregnancy test. At this point for shits and giggles. We aren’t convinced at all we’re pregnant. It’s not possible, but where is my period? Why aren’t my boobs sore? Why haven’t I gone batshit crazy for some chocolate?

Husband is really scared that something is wrong. We’ve worked so hard to stabilize my body so far, hell I’ve been DRINKING LIQUID SILVER, and now we could possibly be back to square one.

But that’s the thing with the pregnancy tests with the lines, no matter what it reads, you can always convince yourself of a faulty outcome.

As soon as we got home, I peed on the electronic pregnancy test in the bathroom downstairs. It showed me a blinking timer, which gave me enough time to run upstairs to Husband. Of course I find that he is in the bathroom himself, so I slide the pregnancy test under the door to him. A few moments later, I hear a roar of laughter, and I sort of slump down, is an overwhelming cloud of emotions…

…The test reads “Pregnant.”

The Silver Lining Myth

Up to this point, all I could do was sympathize with those who were struggling to pay medical bills, having to refrain from seeking quality treatment and healthcare, because the costs were just too great. Up to this point, all I could do was try to imagine what it would be like to be so financially overwhelmed with medical bills, that it makes doing virtually anything at all, that much more difficult.
Up until now, all I could do was imagine, hypothetically, what life would be like in that predicament….

Now, I get it.

Here’s the thing about my mother. It’s easier for her to treat me like a business associate, that an actual daughter, so she doesn’t really have to be a parent. Whenever she has something important to say, she sends me an email. She’s that passive-aggressive type of person, where she’ll say something, because it sounds good, but she doesn’t really mean it. She’s a total asshole.

Last year, I had two big surgeries. I had a laparoscopy that averaged about 44 thousand dollars, and a Laser LEEP procedure that average about 37 thousand dollars. I’m not sure if that includes the many biopsies, the lab tests, the blood work, etc. Both of my parents are still carrying me on their medical insurances because I’m still under 26 years old. Both of the insurances covered most of the costs, with a few thousand dollars left over.

For the past year since the surgery, I have been on a medical leave from school, unemployed because of pain and sickness, and my husband has just started working, since he JUST graduated in December….

According to my mother, any amount of money left over on the surgical bill is my responsibility. It COULD’VE been fine if this was expressed to us early on. She’s been telling us that she’s been paying monthly on the balances, so up until now I haven’t worried about it. We’ve got a mountain of other bills to pay ourselves. Credit card bills, utility bills, phone bills, a car bill, and this NYU bill. Each bill is around or over $1,000, and Husband isn’t making that much money.

Anyways, about 3 weeks ago, I get a letter in the mail informing me that one of my medical bills is about to be sent to collections with a balance of $300. Just
$300! In bright red it read, “This is the fourth notice, this bill will be sent to collections unless you pay this amount in full or arrange a payment plan.” Great. Another fucking bill. Meanwhile, my mother is sticking to her story that she is making payments. This collections notice though, is telling me otherwise.

Today she calls me downstairs to hand me a piece of mail and I open it in the staircase. It read, “You have recently been audited and although you have been making payments, the original payment agreement has expired and your balance is now $1500… Please increase you payment amount by 15%….”

She turns to me and says, “Welp, I guess you better go set up a payment plan.” Right. ME AND WHAT FUCKING INCOME?!

So now, a bill that she has allegedly been paying on, has become my responsibility. I promise I don’t mean to sound like a brat, because I’m not, but here’s why I’m upset. 1) Who the fuck makes their child pay for their own surgeries? It’s not like I have amazing health coverage from a job and my husband has great coverage from his job. We don’t!! I’m not even working!! And it’s not normal to hand over thousands of dollars in medical debt to the person who just had surgery and doesn’t even have a job. I still can’t get my body in order as it is. She never would have done this if it were my sister. The bills would’ve been paid ON TIME, in full, signed, sealed and stamped with love and affection! For me though, that’s just not the case. And 2) I’M NOT FUCKING WORKING!!! You can’t just make the payments until I can find an income? I’d gladly take the payments over then, but you just can’t wait huh? It’s that imperative to you, to just wipe your hands clean of any responsibilities as a parent… but then has the nerve to be in my face EVERY FUCKING DAY, encouraging me to have a baby because that’s what the doctor says to do. How the fuck does that work?

We just got a huge financial blessing from one of Husband’s cousins to help us to get to New York City, so that I can go to school… now this? I’m starting to feel like I should just give in to the universe. Things just aren’t supposed to be this difficult! All I want to do is go to school. Now I believe that’s the most irresponsible option out there. What I should do is withdraw and get a whack ass salary job because not only do these bills just keep accumulating; but Husband and I are sick and tired of living like this. His paychecks are accounted for days and weeks before they even hit his account.

I just can’t deal…. There’s just no silver lining in this.

Oh, and where the fuck is my period!!!

June Blog Challenge, Post VIII: SAHM?

Here’s the prompt for Day 8 of the June Blog Challenge over at Waiting for Baby.

If you had a choice- SAHM?

If I had the choice to be a Stay At Home Mom, I’d probably absolutely take the opportunity, especially if it were manageable financially; f we were able to live off of one income for a few years. I’ve never had kids, but I can only imagine how expensive childcare services can become up until elementary school.

Husband and I talked about this the other day, when I was mentioning a super cool blog I read about a stay at home dad, and I was pretty surprised to hear him say he’d be open to being a SAHD if things worked out that way!

I also think, and this is just my opinion here, that when you deal with infertility or struggle to bring your baby to term, the desire to want to be around your baby is greater. If Husband and I were to one day, finally be able to have a baby, there’s NO WAY you’d be able to take him/her out of my sight!!

The Doctor Helps My Body, But Not My Pockets

I decided today that I’m going to take a break from my Lady Doctor. I’ve been seeing a new OB/GYN who specializes in homeopathic treatments, and although she’s amazing, she’s even more expensive. I’ve been seeing her regularly every two weeks for quite some time now, but I’ve got to stop, at least for a little while.

Husband’s been working really hard to support us on his income alone and these doctor’s visits are becoming a bit overwhelming for him financially, and for me physically. I was scheduled for a follow-up appointment tomorrow, but we’re so strapped for cash, I didn’t really have a choice but to reschedule. Besides our financial situation, I’m honestly not even sure what the point is for all these visits. Nothing seems to be working, but it’s costing me over $100 every time I leave her office, on medications alone, not including the copay!

Two weeks ago, I left her office with a small bag full of medications, all of which I listed in this post, and I honestly don’t feel or notice any difference. Let me just follow up with you really quickly on some of those medications.

I was given a big bottle of liquid silver, in which to consume 3 ounces daily. By the third day of consuming the silver I was in the worst shape ever. I was having terrible migraines, flu-like symptoms, and I even had a mild hallucination one morning! After doing some research, I discovered I was consuming Colloidal Silver, which isn’t even safe for consumption and according to everything I found online, doesn’t have any proven benefits! I immediately stopped taking it!

I was also prescribed a first-aid Silver topical ointment for the painful sex situation, and I’ve only used it a few times, but it has definitely helped! My lady parts were still a bit tender for a day or two after sex, but there was a significant change in the intensity. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like I was having sex with a rusty fork. We’ll consider that a WIN!!

I was also prescribed estroDIM, which is supposed to block estrogen production and eat up the excess estrogen in my body. I take two doses daily. I don’t really know if I’m supposed to notice any changes in my body, but the ones I am noticing, I’m not thrilled about! I am breaking out like a teenager during puberty. I mean my skin looks disgusting! I RARELY break out on my back! It’s so gross! My face, my chest, and my back are all broken out and I’m miserable about it! I have always had an issue with breakouts, blackheads, and oily skin because 1) I don’t manage stress very well and 2) because that’s a telltale symptom of PCOS, but as of the past three weeks… I mean, eww. I don’t even want to leave the house. It’s embarrassing.

All in all, I’ve been taking some pretty strong probiotics and vitamins to support the estroDIM, and I’ve got a pretty awesome remedy for the painful sex thing, so I think I’ll just stop right here and take a hiatus from visiting her. Her products cost way too much for me to handle right now anyways. I’ve got enough of the estroDIM and probotics to last me the rest of the month, so I’ll revisit her some time in July. This will give Husband and I a chance to channel that money elsewhere, and I can have a break from pill popping!

There is, however, one doctor that I actually SERIOUSLY need to see…. A colon specialist…

Our First Big Break

I don’t really want to get into the details of this situation right now, because I am terrified to jinx it….

…but…

If you’ve been following us, you know that we’ve been living in absolute limbo! The Peace Corps is taking for-fucking-ever to give us a nomination, I haven’t been able to register for classes at NYU because of this monstrous financial hold on my account, which was their fault anyways, and we’ve been bouncing back and forth between our parents home’s like two nomads!

Well, Husband worked a miracle last night, and got $1000 to pay towards my $1800 hold!!

Things may just be looking up for us!

We may just have a way out!!

AHHHH!!!!!!