Here’s what I’ve noticed lately: being in limbo, for as long as we have been, has put an incredible amount of stress on our marriage; it’s put a lot of stress on our friendship. We’ve done our best to adapt to our surroundings and our circumstances, and we’re learning so much about what it truly means to be married. Because our marriage is still so young, we’ve spent a lot of time in the Honeymoon Phase, and being jolted right out of our comfort zone has really tested our relationship.
My favorite aspect of our relationship is our communication. Up until now, Husband and I have never argued. We never had fights or uncomfortable disagreements. We talk about everything, openly and honestly. He hears me out, I hear him out. He values my perspective, my ideas, my feelings and the same vice versa.
Lately however, things haven’t been quite so smooth. We’ve opened the floodgates somehow and all of our outside stressors are becoming imbedded in our marriage. We’ve started picking at one another over things that are completely irrelevant to our relationship, like his job and my family drama. We’ve got poor stress management skills and have been, unfortunately, using each other as relief. Just the other day, I found myself shouting at Husband about something completely trivial, all because I was so annoyed with something my mother did, but because I didn’t address my issue with her, Husband paid the price.
Last night, Husband said something to me during our shower about dishes, and I went right off the deep end. He said it with no ill-intention, but I was so offended that I didn’t speak to him the rest of the night. He sat beside me in the bed trying with all of his might to pull an explanation out of me, but I wouldn’t budge. I was so disgusted with what I felt to be a total lack of consideration. I was completely checked out in that moment, and went to sleep infuriated. I didn’t care that he was confused. I didn’t care that he didn’t understand why I took offense to what he said. I didn’t even care that he meant no harm. I was not having it. The next day, I was able to explain to him why I was so offended, but what alarmed me most was my complete disregard for his desire to work things out the night before.
And Husband is just as dry with me. I find myself having to ask for affection, or wondering if I’ve done something to earn the cold shoulder. I’ve brought this to his attention twice before, and both times he’s admitted to not even noticing his lack of attention to me. I don’t want to be a nagging wife, but I also shouldn’t have to feel like my husband doesn’t even want to be around me.
Our overwhelming stresses are beginning to bring out the worst in the both of us. We are officially starting to see the effects of, not just our individual stresses, but also our lack of dealing with those stresses. A lot has happened over the course of these nine months, and we’ve had very little time to cope, but we’re trying to keep up.
And don’t get me wrong, Husband and I spend the majority of our time in good spirits, but our fuses are getting shorter and shorter. We’re not as “lively” as we usually are. We’ve sort of stopped being all over each other, being romantic, and spontaneous. So, we started having those awkward conversations about how to rebuild the walls to keep the outside out and the inside in, so that when we are together, none of that other shit matters. We’ve decided to start a “date night” every week, just so we can be out and about, some place completely neutral, and just enjoy each other’s company, alone. We’ve decided to steer our conversations away from the bullshit too, to protect our friendship. I don’t want us to always talk about what’s bothering us. We can’t change what we can’t change, and that’s all there is to it.